Bully leaders sacrifice others to benefit themselves—through ambition, theft, self-flattery, conquest, revenge and cruelty.
True leaders sacrifice of themselves to benefit others—giving their talents, resources—sometimes even their lives. They model what it is to care for others. The cooperative action they inspire yields far more than the forced labor of those who are exploited and under the lash.
But true leaders are trained up, not just born that way. From a very early age, they’re taught empathy—how to see the needs of others as real and vital, and to act accordingly. Meeting those needs fully is key to having our own needs fully met. Only with this kind of wisdom and compassion can leaders be equipped to coordinate our common work.
Bullying often masquerades as “being in charge,” even from childhood—so early training and modeling really matters.
Some may be born with leadership capacity, but without the intentional teaching of empathy, it will be crippled and misused. Anything less leads us back to bullying.
I began this book with the statement, “We need a hard reset on who we are, and who we allow to lead us.”
“Who we are” is about moral and rational decision-making, and the evolutionary imperative to fulfill common rights and needs through common obligations and abilities. Simply put, we must replace exploitation with mutual care as the highest value and necessity for our common life. Let that be who we are.
“Who we allow to lead us” is about coordinated action. Once we commit to mutual care, we must organize to live it. That requires leadership.
At every level—from cleaning up a park to freeing refugees or governing a nation—leadership means skilled supervision: wisely organizing and managing others to get something done. We need to recognize and acknowledge our widespread, systemic failure across leadership of government, business, healthcare, retail, even our families: We lack good supervision.
We have supervision nearly everywhere. Supervision is the singular ability required of any leader in any position at any level. But it is often dreadful, from bad motives, skills or training.
We know good supervision when we experience it, but even leadership courses often miss key essentials and elevate or excuse bullying.
Let’s reflect together. Take this opportunity to recall your own experiences supervising or being supervised. That wisdom can benefit all of us going forward, in our mutual care for one another. The two online sites, BPS.online and MutualCare.online, provide a means for you to share for our common benefit.
I’ve worked at almost every level of supervision in my life: from being at the bottom and being bossed around by irritable managers in construction and retail, to middle management with supervisors above me and employees below me, to CEO of a national company, senior vice-president of an international company, and also as the pastor of a small, multi-ethnic congregation. I started businesses as small as cutting lawns in my neighborhood. I delivered newspapers. I cleaned offices after hours. I did spot-welding in a factory. I worked a hospital’s graveyard shift. I worked in recording studios and led a band. I edited magazines…
It’s a bunch, I know. We all wish that boy could just focus for a while.
What I learned through it all was the nature of good leadership. I saw supervision at every level—some excellent, much of it poor. As I advanced, I tried to avoid the bad, model the good, and teach what worked. It was always a challenge.
Whether you’re a team leader of a small cleaning crew or the president of a country, one of the constant realities of being a supervisor is that when you supervise others, no matter how pure your motives or reasonable your decisions, someone will malign either or both.
People who weren’t present at meetings or events may presume or pretend they know what was said or done—and present those assumptions as fact. Some will hold onto resentment and spread accusations you can’t easily disprove. Simply denying them just fuels suspicion. Instead, clarify what you can, keep records, invite transparency, and let consistent integrity be your strongest defense.
To be clear, that’s not me grumbling as some sort of victim. I’m describing a standard reality of leadership, and if you aspire to lead, know this: You will be attacked—to your face or behind your back. Some of it will be for actual errors—we all make them—and some will be simply made up to hurt you. Out of competition, jealousy or… “who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?”
This opposition will rise and fall, but it will never vanish. If you’re considering leadership, know this: Opposition comes with the job.
When I retired from my last position, I remember saying, “I want to keep being useful. I’ll write, speak out, maybe teach. I just don’t want to be in charge of anything anymore.” That sentiment came from experience. Being in charge is hard work, and the more people and responsibility you have, the harder it gets. The biggest challenge isn’t public speaking, vision, strategy, finance or organizational charts. The real challenge is the people you oversee. Day in and day out, it’s people.
It’s called super-vision for a reason—to see over. Whether managing a mission to Mars or a stock room, the role is to see what’s needed and coordinate the people you lead to get it done. That’s why someone is placed in charge—to see the need and guide us toward it—together.
Bully leaders—from retail supervisors to CEOs, presidents and monarchs—rely on command alone, indifferent to how their orders affect real people. To them, workers are chess pieces. They’re not led to achieve goals—they’re pushed around—and sacrificed if needed.
This is the bully model. It is the opposite of mutual care. It fails because it exploits and enslaves. The labels change, but the model does not.
People “bossed” this way—under the lash—don’t thrive. They survive just enough to get through the day and maybe pay the bills, if even that. They’re often treated with suspicion and contempt: “They’ll get away with anything they can.” And they end up fulfilling this low expectation, because mistreatment creates mistrust.
By contrast, gifted supervisors ask themselves, and their employees, “What can I do to make you successful in your job, and to make us successful together?” They don’t revel in pride of position or refuse to seek counsel from those they lead. They lead to achieve goals.
In fact, good supervisors listen—especially to the people doing the work. If there’s a real problem or better solution, they want to know! And “whistleblowers” are rewarded, not punished. Hiding problems is what bullies and parasites do, not good supervisors.
Good supervisors, true leaders, also strive to provide opportunity to all those they lead: for advancement, education, recognition. Better skills, greater satisfaction—better results. All of these contribute to our shared prosperity. The more we all grow, the more we all gain.
Not Everyone Is a Supervisor…
And note this important reality check: not everyone is blessed with the skill of supervision. Those who are help us work together toward a common goal. But countless other talents are just as vital—and deserve equal recognition and reward. Supervision must not be the only test for, or path toward, advancement.
A German cartoonist, Hans Traxler, well-illustrated the error of judging all abilities by a single standard back in 1983. It was redrawn and put into English by the New Zealand cartoonist Barry Linton in 2000 and has been widely circulated online because of its scathing insight.
In it, a crow, a monkey, a penguin, an elephant, a goldfish, a seal and a dog, all stand with a tree behind them. An examiner at a desk in front of them says, “For a fair selection everybody has to take the same exam: Please climb that tree.” (The cartoon is linked in Sources.)
This cartoon reminds us: Every gift, ability and skill needs its own opportunities. Skills should be rewarded as they become increasingly valuable to our common good. This is both moral and wise.
When only supervision is well-rewarded, it attracts even those not gifted, who often imitate the worst examples of supervision they’ve seen or experienced. When all abilities are rewarded, people naturally are drawn to and advance in the areas where they best produce good results.
Too often, organizations reward people primarily based on how many subordinates they have—especially close to the top, where pay becomes wildly disproportionate and morally compromised—as we saw with the examples of retail and healthcare executives and their compensations.